Thank-you For Not Driving.

WARNING: This post contains a pledge, which if you read, or even take a peek at, or just skim quickly, you must follow, or the Spirits of Tailgaters Past will haunt your life FOREVER. FOR-EV-ER. FORR-EVV-ERR.

You know you do it. I know you do it. You know I know you know you do it. We've all done it. You merge onto the freeway. Careen over to the far-left lane. Set your cruise control at "85". And some Mormon, I mean moron (for reference when I'm driving on Utah Freeways, boo to everyone who drives the speed limit in the far left lane!!!) in front of you is in the fast lane going a measly 62 MPH. You pull up close behind them, flash your lights and do the "No-no-no" Mom Hand Signal. And. they. don't. move. So you move closer to them. And closer. And closer. And finally you're so close to the car in front of you, you can read all their bumper stickers very clearly ("My Grandson Was Child of the Week at Provo Elementary". Or "The Closer You Get, The Slower I Go". Or "Go Ahead and Honk, I Can't Hear You"). And they still. don't. move. And we inch closer and closer and closer until we're fed up and we change lanes to indignantly speed around them. You KNOW you do it too! But, there are rules, right? You ONLY tailgate at certain times. Like when someone is going slow in the fast lane (I'm talking to YOU, I-15 Riders of Utah and Salt Lake County). Or someone who doesn't go the speed limit in residential areas.

But here's where my beef lies: people who needlessly tailgate. I see cars who pull up too close behind me to "encourage" (yeah, encourage... it's a bit more like INTIMIDATE) me to go faster. WELL, GUESS WHAT?? I CAN'T!! THERE'S TRAFFIC!! Can you open your eyes for, like a SECOND, and see that everyone else is going at a steady pace of 55 MPH on the freeway, there are too many cars on the road to pass anyone, and it's doing you no good to ride my car's booty??!?? So get OFF my tail, because all you're doing is making me ANGRY. 'Cause I'll slow down. And ride my brakes. And then speed up so you can't pass. And I'll play this cat-and-mouse game with you until you stop. And I don't care what faces you make at me. Or gestures you give. I don't put up with Tacky Tailgaters.

(Please raise your right arm and repeat after me)

In the name of my Fellow Drivers of the World. I, [Insert your name here], vow to never be a Tacky Tailgater. I promise that I will only Tailgate under said Tailgate Rules and Regulations (see Paragraph 1-2 from above). And I'll also ALWAYS signal when I switch lanes. And I swear I'll never slow down to a full and complete stop just to turn into a parking lot, or onto a street. And I promise when I'm old and senile (no offense Grandma), I won't drive. And if I do, I won't self-righteously drive in the fast lane going 55 MPH, even IF I've paid my tithing for the month and I want to obey all traffic rules so I can be One-with-God and think everyone going over 60 MPH is of the Devil. And I'll stop at every stop sign. And I will also follow the lane assignments given on the following picture made by Tracie. And I pledge these things in the name of glory, good citizenship, and for all those who've been wronged on the road.

LANE ASSIGNMENTS: